The Quid Pro Quo of Flattery
Social media LOVES flattery.
We've all seen it and we've all participated in it.
We've all seen pretty girls (and guys) post selfies on Facebook or Instagram so that the comments can all say "Gorgeous!" "Wow!" etc. [Side Note: Instagram is not for selfies according to a wise friend]
We've all seen the rambling birthday posts on Facebook that just seem to go a little bit overboard. Relax, buddy, it's the person's birthday. All they did was be born, they don't need 8 billion compliments.
We've seen the mentions of celebrities on Twitter, or the comments on their profile pages elsewhere.
There are a million more examples of this form of Facebook Flattery out there. Go ahead, scroll your social media, you're bound to come across it.
But I want to ask the question:
Is flattery just a terrible attempt at quid pro quo?
I say something nice and complimentary to you so that you'll say something nice and complimentary to me. Then we all just compliment ourselves into oblivion and fade away into the sunset shaking hands and congratulating ourselves on how great we are. Okay, that got a little too extreme. But do we just flatter people so that they will flatter us in return?
Is flattery just a boomerang of compliments?
Do we throw the compliments and praise out, hoping deep down that it will come back to us? *Preferably in bigger and bigger compliments!
R. Kent Hughes says, "Flattery is the reverse mirror-image of gossip. Gossip involves saying behind a person's back what you never say to his face. Flattery is saying to a person's face what you would never say behind his back." (Luke: That You May Know The Truth)
Flattery pours out compliments and smooth words on it's recipients. But would we turn around and tell those same words to others?
Full admittance: I used to practice flattery A LOT! I would constantly be giving people compliments and even using excessive hyperbole to tell them how great they were. But in all honesty, the only reason I was paying them such tribute is so that they would turn around and tell me:
"No, Paul, you are the one who is so great! You are doing such a good job and you are such an amazing person."
Therefore, my flattery was self-serving and insincere. Me flattering others appeared to be for them, but in all actuality, it was for me.
Proverbs 26:28 says, "A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin."
The Apostle Paul encountered a similar phenomenon with the church in Galatia. People had slipped in to the church and were causing problems for Paul because they were disrupting the gospel of justification by faith that he had preached and disciple the Galatians to believe.
They make much of you, but for no good purpose. They want to shut you out, that you may make much of them. It is always good to be made much of for a good purpose, and not only when I am present with you, (Galatians 4:17-18 ESV)
"They make much of you...that you may make much of them." This is the nature of the cycle of flattery that we so often see in our relationships and on social media.
Flattery is making much of others, so that they will make much of us.
So, what then? Are we supposed to cease all practices of complimenting and acknowledging others?
Quite the opposite! However, we should consider deeply our motives.
One way to think about the gospel of Jesus Christ is to consider it in this way:
Adam, the first man, was with God in the beginning but became separated from God on account of his sin. From Adam, we all too "like sheep have gone astray."
Jesus, the second man, who was in the place of glory and honor as God from eternity, emptied himself and became a man in search of his sheep.
[6] who, though he [Jesus] was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, [7] but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. (Philippians 2:6-7 ESV)
Jesus came down from the place of honor and entered into our dishonor. He was born in our likeness so that we could be remade in God's likeness.
Further, now in human flesh, Jesus lived the perfectly holy life that we did not live. Yet without sin, Jesus went to the cross for our sake.
[21] For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21 ESV)
Jesus went to the cross to bear the dishonor, shame, humiliation, and wrath that we deserve to receive for our sin. Now "in him" which means being united to Christ by faith, we become the righteousness of God. When we put our faith in Jesus Christ, all of his goodness, his holiness, his perfection, his honor is transferred to us.
Jesus was dishonored in every way that he might associate himself with us. His resurrection shows that God honors him as holy and perfect.
Now by faith in Jesus, we get to be fully associated with him in the sight of God. Our dishonor in the world turns to honor and glory with the Father. We receive Christ's honor!
In the same way that Christ's outlook on honor was others-focused, so we respond in kind when we seek to show honor to others. If flattery is for ourselves, to build us up then the opposite of flattery is showing honor. Showing honor is for others, to build them up.
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
(Romans 12:10 ESV)
Showing honor is Christ serving, and others-focused. Showing honor is done for others' sake. This is why showing honor is an act of love. True love is inherently others-focused.
Receiving honor also keeps us from becoming self-focused and getting swept up into the boomerang effect of flattery because we attribute the glory to God and not ourselves. We know that God was the one who had mercy on us in the first place, by sending His Son to the cross, so that we could be reconciled to Him. We know that the work He is doing in our lives is properly attributed to Him as well because we have received the Holy Spirit who sanctifies us.
Unlike with flattery, showing honor doesn't cause the honored person to selfishly celebrate their compliment. Receiving honor causes the honored person to turn and glorify God for the work He is doing in their life.
Here is a great example of showing social media honor. We see kind words that aren't seeking praise in return, and we see honor being well received.
If you are the kind of person who struggles with flattery, I would ask you if you feel secure around others?
When I struggled with flattery it was because I was insecure about my standing with them, and ultimately my standing with God. When I found Jesus I was able to face insecurities down because of his surpassing worth and encompassing love.
For practical helps in fighting flattery, we can use these kinds of questions as a good heart check for us when we want to flatter others:
"Are these words seeking to build them up, or are they to build me up?"
"Would I say these flattering things to their face in person?"
"Would I tell others about these things?"
We all have an ability to honor others by telling them how we see Christ at work in their lives. Let's be people who build others up!
[3] Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places (Ephesians 1:3 ESV)
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