Hope For Perfectionists
 |
| Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash |
 |
| A New Journey Bananas? |
In raising support as I enter into ministry, I have crafted this support letter and have been mailing them out to people in my sphere to see if they want to partner with me in the gospel.
I've worked really hard on this letter, and want it to be really nice. This letter to the right is one of 60 copies where the word begins was cut off of the headline. This happened when I printed off my USB drive at Staples.
I had already committed to the print job, and in fact had paid for it, when I realized the mistake. Somehow in transferring the file, the entire headline didn't copy. This left me with a less than perfect support letter.
How was I going to handle it?
My immediate reaction was not great. I called Allison and was noticeably upset about the cost of the job and the fact that it left me with imperfect support letters. I didn't think I could get a refund because I was the person who confirmed the job. It was my mistake, and I didn't want to pay to have the copies made again.
On the drive home however, I calmed down as I spent some time in prayer. I realized that the missing word was not that big of a deal. I could send out imperfect support letters, and I would still be okay - everything would still be okay. I even relaxed enough to have some fun at my own expense on Facebook.
PERFECTIONISM
Ultimately, the issue wasn't about the support letter at all, but rather about my struggles with perfectionism. A perfectionist is defined as someone who, "refuses to accept any standard short of perfection."
This definition from Psychology Today is so spot on regarding perfectionism that it actually feels like it is describing my own life:
"For perfectionists, life is an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. It's a fast and enduring track to unhappiness, and perfectionism is often accompanied by depression and eating disorders. What makes perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, so theirs is a negative orientation."
If you are a perfectionist like me, you have probably struggled with approval, self-image, and depression. You have probably been extremely hard on yourself, and you have probably operated under the fear of failure. You have probably been overly concerned with how others perceive you.
Perfectionism makes us way too demanding of others, and it also makes us very unforgiving of ourselves when we make mistakes.
When we look at all the problems brought on by perfectionism it starts to seem like a mental prison. We have no real means of escape from the excessive demands and stress we are putting on ourselves. That can lead us to depression, despair, and hopelessness.
Why do we struggle to be perfect?
Looking at the second part of the Psychology Today definition helps us find some clarity:
"And love isn't a refuge; in fact, it feels way too conditional on performance. Perfection, of course, is an abstraction, an impossibility in reality, and often it leads to procrastination. There is a difference between striving for excellence and demanding perfection."
For perfectionists, even love isn't a refuge.
Even love must be considered from a conditional or performance-based viewpoint:
"If I don't get straight A's my mom and dad will be ashamed of me."
"If I don't get this promotion, my wife will be really disappointed in me."
But perfection isn't even attainable! So why do we struggle?
Why is it so important for us to be perfect?
Striving for excellence is one thing. Striving for excellence comes from a sincere desire or purpose to do a good job.
Perfectionism on the other hand, is motivated by fear of failure. Perfectionism is directly tied to our feelings of self-worth and self-righteousness.
"If I can just get this right, I'll be okay. If it's perfect, if I have a perfect marriage or do a perfect job at work, then I'll know that I'm okay."
Because perfectionism is tied to self-worth, our own intrinsic value as human beings is on the line, and every single time we come up short and reveal ourselves imperfect, our self-worth takes a huge hit! We walk away ashamed, because we weren't good enough. We can't accept our failure because our failure proves that we are unworthy.
Famed shame researcher Brené Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."
The perfectionist ties their self-worth to conditional measurements, such as weight loss or grades or a promotion. This means that every little imperfection, every instance where we come up short, our unworthiness on full display. We actually start to believe that our imperfections make us unworthy of love, we can't even find refuge in love. This is a prison!
GOSPEL HOPE
I've got good news. I have the keys to get out of the prison of perfectionism. If you are like me and struggle with perfectionism, I have hope. There is a way out, there is a way to feel okay.
The gospel tells us the truth that we already know about ourselves. The gospel tells us that we're imperfect. We have failed to live up to God's law, we have fallen short of His glory and His standard. We need a savior, and Christ is a perfect one.
The gospel frees us from perfectionism because in Christ we have a perfect substitute who measures up when we don't, and won't reject us.
For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit, (1 Peter 3:18 ESV)
Jesus measured up to God's law, living the perfect life without sin. In Jesus was found no flaw, no weakness, no unrighteousness. Jesus is the worthy lamb, the righteous man, who died for our sake.
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21 ESV)
Jesus was without sin, but was punished under the wrath of God in his body, bearing the punishment for our sins. Jesus died in our place, so that we don't have to. In Jesus, we who have been imperfect can be made whole - because he gives us his righteousness.
Jesus declared us worthy of love when he died on the cross to bring us salvation.
We aren't saved because we made ourselves perfect. We are saved because God's love is perfect.
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8 ESV)
The gospel is hope for liberation from perfectionism. We have no fear of shame, we have no fear of being declared unworthy - because while we were still weak imperfect people Jesus went to the cross for us. While we were still sinners, while we were yet wretched and miserable and unworthy of salvation, Jesus in his perfect love suffered and died to make us worthy.
We know that Jesus won't reject us because he has already given everything to have us, so we don't have to live in fear of failure. Christ declares us worthy!
Love can be a refuge! Jesus didn't save us because we met enough conditions to be loved, Jesus saved us because God is love!
When we put our faith in Christ's finished work on the cross, his perfection before God is transferred to us! By faith, we become united to Christ! Christ's righteousness is what makes us worthy!
Christ's righteousness is what makes us perfect, not our own! This is liberation from having to prove ourselves worthy! This is liberation from having to be perfect!
When, by faith, my identity is rooted in the Savior, I can gracefully face the imperfections that want to shame me into believing that I'm unworthy of love, that I'm not okay. In him, I am!
Those in Christ can stare our feelings of unworthiness in the face and shout, "My identity is in Christ! He loved me and gave himself for me!"
Do you struggle with perfectionism? Let the good news liberate you! Trust Christ!
That's the hope of the gospel. Christ becomes the substitute for imperfect men and women everywhere who see their need for him. Are you burdened by not measuring up?
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28 ESV)
Those who take the leap of faith and trust Christ experience rest from the conditional self-worth that has defined them, because Jesus becomes our worth and our identity. He rescues us and sustains us, and his love defines us. That's hope for perfectionists like me.
Comments
Post a Comment