The Perils of Self-Preservation

One of the biggest differences about living in the social media age is that everything seems so immediate. Every news item we see becomes incredibly urgent, and we simply must comment on it! Having a smartphone in our hands means that whatever we are thinking at the time, we can immediately broadcast to the world. Typically I try to restrain myself from these kinds of reactionary posts, because as Proverbs 29:11 says:

A fool gives full vent to his spirit,
but a wise man quietly holds it back. (ESV)

However, as I was browsing Twitter today I read some tweets that were the match to the lighter fluid & match that ignited some of my thoughts and led me to my very first ever Twitter rant!

 When I was done, I had written 7 tweets in the order below:

1. Some of the ways a normative group suppresses others is to dismiss them as irrelevant, ridicule their points, or flat out make fun of them.
2. How can you learn or understand one's experience in life if you won't even validate them when they are telling you they live through?
3. It is hard for us to be empathetic or to desire to hear someone's viewpoint, especially if it challenges our thinking.
4. It is even harder to listen to others and validate them when we learn from their experience that we have played a role in hurting them.
5. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way we are humbled in our hearts to be able to be wrong and truly enter into another's pain.
6. Having Jesus as my main identity point & nothing else means I am able to"lay down" self-preservation and join myself to another's struggle.
7. I think the main point I am making is this: Beware any time you are dismissing, mocking, or writing off another group w/o understanding them.

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Ultimately my posts are regarding the concepts of humility and pride, empathy and self-preservation. Here goes.

I have the advantage of being a part of three major normative or reference groups (among others): 

I am white, I am a man, and I am heterosexual.

"A reference group in the sociological definition is:

People whose attitudes, behavior, beliefs, opinions, preferences, and values are used by an individual as the basis for his or her judgment. One does not have to be (or even aspire to be) a member of a reference group to be negatively or positively influenced by its characteristics."

As a white, heterosexual male, I am in these reference groups. I am considered the norm because my identity characteristics are standardized. 

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Let me illustrate what it means to be in a reference group by using the same scenario in two different ways:

Scenario 1) If I walk into a room of white men (which is most common for me in my life) I do not have to give any thought to it. I can be myself without thinking about the color of my skin, or any other defining characteristics I might have. I am not a representative of other people, I simply represent myself because I am the norm of that group. I can just be me. 

Scenario 2) If a black man were to walk into the same room of white men, he would certainly be aware of his being the only black man in the room. In all likelihood, the men in the room would also be aware of it because the person who entered the room would be outside the norm of their skin color. The black man would almost in a sense become a representative of all black men. His behavior could be seen as applicable to all black men. He has to be aware of how he represents himself, because he is not in the norm group. He can't just be himself, as I am able to be in the previous scenario. Everything he does is in reference to the norm group. 

In scenario 1 - if I have an angry outburst as a white man in a room of white men, that outburst is applied only to my character. This is important to note. I am not held to be a representative of other white men. I may even be shown empathy, because the men might relate to my frustration. 

In scenario 2 - if the black man has an angry outburst in a room of white men, that outburst might be applied not only to his character but to the nature of the character of all black men. In this instance he is a representative, primarily because he is in reference to the norm of the group. Unlike myself, he isn't allowed the space to only represent himself, and likely will not receive much empathy.

Let's put this idea into another context. If I walk into a convenience store late at night as a white man, the cashier immediately scans me and assumes nothing - I am just another white guy and customer. However, if a black man walks into a convenience store late at night, he is more likely to be profiled and observed with caution because of his skin color and the stereotypes therein. He stands out much more than I do even though I may be a much more vile person, strictly because of the color of his skin.

For a personal understanding of this, my wife Allison has thoughts from her professional experience.

From Allison: "I am a professional who frequently addresses audiences through speaking engagements, and when I walk into a room full of men as an expert on a topic and prepare to present, I am immediately self-conscious of who I am. I have to think about how I will be perceived based on my attire, my intelligence, my physique, and I have to carefully calculate how I represent. Do I speak in a bold and confident way, at the risk of being written off as a woman voicing her opinion? Do I speak more reserved in the hopes that I will fit better into the normative group? How will people hear me? As a woman? As a professional? Do they take me seriously? Do I represent myself well? Do I represent women well? Is my skirt too short? Do I sound intelligent? I can't simply speak without thinking of the larger context."

I would never have to think that way, but Allison has to think that way every time she is in that situation. I hope this helps prime your thinking about what it means to be a reference group.

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In continuing with the line of thinking from my Twitter posts, I want to highlight how we as the reference group can dismiss the experiences of those in marginalized groups. I said we can, "dismiss them as irrelevant, ridicule their points, or flat out make fun of them." We dismiss others' viewpoints based on our own pride. When we do it without even understanding their perspective we are not only being prideful, but also we are not empathizing with their experience or validating their humanity.

We have to beware of the pride that can cause us to dismiss others' experiences.
This often looks like self-preservation.

Let me give two examples of this self-preservation. The first example comes on a micro level and the second example is on a more macro level. 

First Example of Self-Preservation:

If Allison and I are in the car driving, and I say something that hurts her, the following minutes of the drive are shrouded in absolute silence. Allison is silent because she is processing and working through the hurtful words that I have spoken. I am silent for different reasons: I am in full-fledged self-preservation mode. My comments have hurt Allison, and I will look for every reason within myself to justify why she "shouldn't be upset" and why I am not in the wrong. 

These are things that I might internally say to myself:

"You didn't mean to hurt her feelings, it was an accident."

"She shouldn't be so upset, what you said was not that bad."

"Why is she so sensitive, I would never be that sensitive if she made a slip up like that. She's too easily hurt."

So you can see how when I am in self-preservation mode. I cannot and will not accept my role in the conflict or situation. I don't want to take responsibility for my hurtful words, because it would hurt my pride to admit fault. My natural tendency is to defend my ego, and turn the problem outward and make it Allison's problem. I turn my responsibility outward and make the problem about her and her feelings in the situation. Ultimately I am being prideful in two ways: in not seeking to take responsibility for my own actions, and in preserving my own stake in the conflict instead of seeking to understand why what I said was hurtful to Allison. 

For the sake of self-preservation, I have dismissed and marginalized Allison in this micro-level example of interpersonal conflict. 

Second Example of Self-Preservation:

For this example, I want to look at how self-preservation plays itself out on a macro level.

When Colin Kaepernick began kneeling during the National Anthem, it launched the steam train of a media firestorm which has not stopped rolling to this day. From a Time magazine piece in September of 2016, we get this quote:

"We must understand what Kaepernick is protesting. The tension between black people and the cops is not just one more race issue roiling the nation: it is the key one. It is the central cause of black people's sense of general alienation, the first thing that comes up when you ask black people why they think racism defines their lives. It was what the Panthers were all about, what gangsta rap was all about, what the O.J. Simpson vigilante-justice verdict was all about, and it's no accident that today's most prominent civil rights effort, Black Lives Matter, began as a protest against the cops. The sense of the cops' authority as illegitimate only makes it easier for underserved black men to seek employment on the black market of drug sales. The cop issue helps destroy black communities." (John McWhorter, TIME)

By taking a knee on the sidelines during the National Anthem, Colin Kaepernick was attempting to draw attention to the black experience with the police. His form of silent protest was coming off the heels of years of hashtags highlighting notorious and questionable black deaths at the hands of primarily white police officers. In kneeling, Kaepernick was performing an action that he felt was true to his experience. He knelt down in an attempt to create dialogue, and to help us all think more about other people's perspectives.

In attempting to create this dialogue, Kaepernick has made himself the object of great disdain for many Americans. He has become a punching bag for many, bearing insults and ridicule for representing his viewpoint and his experience. He has been consistently mocked, dismissed and targeted on social media. This is nothing new for people involved in the civil rights battle. Kaepernick simply wants a seat at the table of discussion. He protested because he wants us to have more dialogue about rights and race in America.

Our self-preservation on a macro level has a hard time with this. For us to acknowledge and validate what Kaepernick's protest represents means we would have to accept some hard truths about equality in America. It is hard to accept the truth that America has not been good to African-Americans. These are truths we may not want to face, especially if we are in the reference group. It is much easier to dismiss what Kaepernick has to say because it would be damage our thoughts about America to hear him out. It is much easier to target his character and his patriotism than to seek to understand his and and others' very real experiences. It is much easier to ridicule him than it is to empathize and understand him - even if we would still disagree.

Ultimately, self-preservation causes us to eliminate other people's perspectives from the discussion. 
When that happens, we miss an opportunity. 

On the small scale, self-preservation causes me to do things like dismiss my wife's very real feelings. On a large scale, self-preservation causes us to dismiss the very real experiences of entire people groups. These are only some examples of this form of pride destroying the potential for growth, fellowship, dialogue, and understanding. 

This brings me to my final point. For us to move forward in these areas, we must conquer pride with humility, and self-preservation with empathy. I believe for us to have victory in these areas our only hope is the gospel of Jesus Christ.

In the book Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis says, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”

The gospel tells us that our salvation, our righteousness and our identity doesn't come from our works but from what Jesus has done for us. God is at work within us.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV)

The gospel tells us we have nothing to cling to, we have nothing to boast about, because we are sinners. Our sin sent Jesus to the cross, and by his wounds we are healed. We receive free grace - it is a gift. Thus, we live seeking first His kingdom and His righteousness.

The gospel frees us from the fear of being wrong. The gospel frees us from having to defend ourselves. We are able to listen and receive instruction. Humility means having a willingness to receive new information and learn from it. We don't have to defend ourselves and how 'righteous' we are, because our righteousness comes from the risen Lord! We know we are sinners in need of a Savior - we have been humbled by that knowledge. We are empowered to lay down our lives for the sake of others, because Jesus laid down his life for our sake. 

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:5-8 ESV)

The gospel of Jesus Christ humbles us and frees us from the desire for self-preservation. The gospel tells us we share the mind of Christ - the mind of humility. 

With God's help we can become radically others-focused people who are enabled to lay down selfish ambition and pride for the hope of glorifying the name of Jesus, so that all peoples may see the glory of our God.

We can divorce ourselves from the self-preservation mentality because we have been crucified with Christ - our identity is tied up fully in the Savior who lays down his life for others.

The gospel and the gift of God's grace is the only thing that allows us to be humble from the heart. This is real, genuine humility.

1 John 4:19 says, “We love because he first loved us.” In the same way, we empathize with others in their struggles because Jesus entered into ours. Jesus became flesh, and faced every temptation we face, yet without sin. Jesus went to the cross and died for our sin, taking the penalty upon himself. Jesus empathized with the human condition. When we see and believe that Jesus died for our sin, it humbles us. We have to remember the gospel in order to be humble enough to lay down our desire for self-preservation.

Empathy always starts from a place of humility. Empathy is an others’ focused action that says, “I see you feeling something, and I want to understand.” We empathize because we care. For Christians, we are called to reflect the likeness of Jesus in how we seek justice and love mercy and walk humbly with our God. Jesus entered in to the pain of others. Think about the moving scene when he arrives at Lazarus’ tomb, and even while knowing he will raise Lazarus from the dead, Jesus empathizes with Mary and Martha, the sisters. “Jesus wept,” (John 11:35 ESV) is the shortest verse in the Bible and it is a significant verse. As followers of Jesus we are called to seek God’s justice and exemplify God’s mercy in the world. God gives us mirror neurons and empathy skills to be used in loving our neighbor as our self.

How do I practice empathy?

PERSPECTIVE SEEKING

Psychology Today defines empathy as, "the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling."

One way to practice empathy is to seek to understand others by speaking out their emotions and their perspective. For example, if Allison and I are having a conflict and I put on her shoes and see the issue from her point of view, speaking out how she felt, I empathize. My desire to “win the fight” shrinks and suddenly I see the situation from her perspective. It leads me to humbly say, "Oh wow, I see how that could have hurt you. I see how you took what I said that way. I'm sorry." Empathy diffused my desire for self-preservation. 

Mayor Mitch Landrieu of New Orleans showcases how to empathize with a people group. He gave a special address in New Orleans regarding the removal of a Robert E. Lee statue, which is one among other Confederate monuments being removed in New Orleans in recent weeks. He said:

These comments from the mayor of New Orleans show that he developed a better understanding of other people because he practices empathy. He seeks to look at things from the other person’s perspective instead of digging his heels in deeper to his own thoughts.

FLEE FROM ASSUMPTIONS

Making assumptions is contradictory to empathy. Assumptions cause us to think we know what someone’s motivations were. Seeking to understand their perspective can help us know why they might have done what they did. For example, if my friend posts something I disagree with on social media there are two ways I can look at it. The first way makes assumptions, “I’m smarter than them, they’re misguided, they’re wrong.” Ultimately I’m dismissing that person and preserving myself. The second way I can look at it is to say, “I have no idea why they posted that, but I am going to send them a message and seek to understand.” This way is non-judgmental and won’t falsely condemn someone.

Think about being in the supermarket and seeing a parent discipline their child. Initially, we might react and think, “That seems harsh.” But truly we have no understanding of what that parent’s goals are in disciplining the child. The actions might be for the child’s good, and it might be exactly the right timing to impose the punishment. We don’t know. A great way to flee from assumptions is to humbly say, “I don’t know.”

In the Colin Kaepernick example, it is easy to condemn his actions from a surface level. It appears as though he is disrespecting veterans, and America and it would be very easy for us to make assumptions. But if we look at his motivation why, we can understand better. If we say, “I don’t know,” and seek to learn, we can practice empathy. We learn that he is standing up for the rights of all, and that he is practicing his right to free speech to create a dialogue that he and many people feel is lacking in the American culture now. In kneeling down, Kaepernick is actually standing up for what we would call, ‘American ideals’ such as liberty and justice for all. We can never get to that understanding if we make blind assumptions.

UPHOLD IMAGO DEI

We also must be careful not to attribute one person’s actions to an entire group. We cannot empathize if we do not treat the person in front of us as an individual. It can be so easy to stereotype someone and place them into a group, or apply their actions to an entire group. For example, in the scenario before when a black man walks into a room – if he has a fit of anger, we might apply that and say that all black men are angry. We must resist that. That is not fair, and it is not God-glorifying empathy.

The way to fight against stereotyping is to empathize on the individual level and to remember that all people are created in the image of God. The fact that all people are made in the ‘Imago Dei,’ means that each person you meet is worthy of dignity, fair treatment, and respect because they are created by God and bear his likeness.

Going back to the example of a room of white men when a black man enters, we can practice empathy when we remember that this man is made in the image of God. We can show him dignity and respect. By practicing empathy, we can give him the freedom and space to be an individual, to represent himself and not a group.

As Christ followers, we can take this even further, because we know that outer appearances matter for nothing in the kingdom of God – it is the heart that loves God and loves neighbor that reveals a person is born of the Spirit into the kingdom of God. And we know that heaven will be a multi-ethnic family, truly that even now we are family with all the brothers and sisters in Christ.

Practicing empathy means laying down the desire for self-preservation and genuinely caring for and entering into the struggles of others. We avoid making assumptions about who they are and why they do what they do, and we seek to understand. We seek to learn and grow. We remember that all people are made in the image of God and worthy of dignity and fair treatment. We remember the gospel, which gives us the humility to live for others and not only for ourselves. We remember the humility of Jesus who became man and obeyed God fully, went to the cross for our sake. We remember that Jesus is over all, and in all, and through all those who have received salvation. We remember that salvation is by grace through faith, not our own doing, but truly God’s gift and we pray for everyone to receive that gift. We do our best to live in ways to advance God’s justice and mercy for all.

Other ways to gain empathy skills:

• Proximity produces the kind of understanding that brings about empathy. Serve communities that you struggle with understanding. Get close to people, their struggle, their lives. Experience it with them. I see things much differently now that I have served communities I formerly knew nothing about.
• When you have a negative thought about a person or group, repent and pray for perspective. Prayer can be a huge tool for growing empathy skills.
• Let the Holy Spirit guide you toward growth by leaning in to convicting thoughts.
• Give people space in their actions, but seek the deeper “why.” Ask yourself, “Why do they do (this)?"
• Take note of the media that you ingest, especially social media, news, podcasts etc. These will undoubtedly have biases and slants. This can start to shape your thinking, especially if the media sources you use have a very homogeneous message. Diversify your media.
• Find a podcast or follow some people on Twitter who think differently than you do. See if you can learn their perspective and then learn to represent the different viewpoints than others. It is responsible to know what others believe, and it is also okay to disagree with people and still validate their humanity.
• Check your heart when you notice yourself dismissing, belittling, or ridiculing others. Ask yourself, "Why does this issue bother me so much? What's am I really frustrated about?"
• Fight to find your identity in the gospel, and how you belong to Jesus Christ. 

Let's be the kind of people who desire to know, understand, and love our neighbor in ways that overwhelm them and witness to the love of Jesus that is our great hope. Let's be welcoming to sinners like our great Savior is, and bring him glory!

From the cross, uplifted high, where the Savior hangs to die 
What melodious sounds I hear, bursting on my ravished ear 
Love’s redeeming work is done—Grace to boast the battle won 
Come and welcome, sinner, come. Come and welcome, sinner, come. 

Sprinkled now with blood the throne. Why beneath thy burdens groan? 
On His broken body laid—justice owns the ransom paid 
Bow your knee, behold the Son—crucified and risen One 
Come and welcome, sinner, come. Come and welcome, sinner, come.