Hope for Selfish Folks!

Pastor Timothy Keller has a Twitter quote about marriage. He says, "If each spouse says to the other, "I will treat my selfishness as the main problem in the marriage," you have the prospect for great things."

That sounds like a pretty bleak view of marriage, doesn't it? My selfishness is the main problem in my marriage? I want a marriage that is easy and happily ever after. But unfortunately, selfishness in marriage is a reality. This quote proves itself wise. Allison and I have been married for 7 months and I can honestly say that my selfishness is the biggest problem in our marriage. 

It is a radical idea really, that two people should become one. Two individuals are called to align with one new purpose, one new self. You live your whole life concerned about your well-being and your goals and your hopes. You develop your ways of doing things, your opinions, your habits, you develop your life. Now you join your self to someone else who has an entirely different self, complete with different views, habits, and hopes. This process of two unique people becoming one in marriage is so challenging, and I'd be willing to argue that selfishness is probably the main reason why the divorce rate is so high in America. 

Allison and I have faced down these challenges of selfishness in many different arenas. Being married has made us have to confront how our selfish actions can hurt each other. There is no place to run and hide from the reality of how selfish we can be, we have to confront it. 

The primary cause of any strife or struggle or conflict in our marriage is selfishness. In many ways the selfishness problem is a sin problem. Selfish living and choices means being a self-focused person. Being self-focused does not work in a marriage that is called to be a partnership. All of us are selfish whether we admit it or not. But there is hope for selfish jerks like me!

The Apostle Paul directly confronts selfishness and quarreling in the 2nd chapter of his letter to the Philippians. Paul does this confront the issue by telling the selfish parties how bad they are and that they need to change, rather Paul reminds them all of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Paul tells his friends:

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Lights in the World

12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

(Philippians 2:1-13 ESV)

Paul gives us an if - then statement on how we should live.

IF  you are enjoying any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy

THEN Be of the same mind, have the same love, be in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry, do not act out of conceit RATHER humbly count others more significant than yourselves - look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others - consider what others needs are!

Paul tells us, the way to be this unified, others-focused, unselfish person is to have the mindset of Christ - (which is yours!)

Jesus Christ is the most unselfish man who ever lived. Following Jesus means having his Spirit help you to live an increasingly unselfish life. 

- The humility of Jesus - 

Paul tells us some amazing truths that are the foundation of the Christian faith and the gospel. Living in light of these truths gives us the "mind of Christ" that enables us to live unselfish lives.

1. Jesus is God, Jesus is the Son of God.

This passage enforces the Christian doctrine of the Trinity: God is One in Three Persons, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Paul tells us that Jesus did not cling to His equality with God the Father or assert his Godhood - rather Jesus emptied himself - Jesus became a servant and was born in the likeness and form of men.

This is incredible!

The life of Jesus is the ultimate riches to rags to riches story!

Jesus left the highest station imaginable - coeternal glory with God the Father and God the Holy Spirit. Jesus entered humanity and time and descended to the lowest extreme of servitude and suffering. Imagine a billionaire giving up all his money and intentionally choosing to become a homeless man to help others! It's ludicrous, and it doesn't even do justice to what Jesus gave up to become human.

2. Jesus lived a perfect, holy, humble, obedient life in our place which is our hope.

Jesus humbled himself. As a man Jesus humbled himself - Jesus became obedient to the last letter of the law, the point of death. Jesus became obedient in all things to God so that we could share in "his mind" of obedience and humility. The incredible thing here is that despite the fact that we are sinners, when we put our faith in Jesus Christ, our sins are forgiven. We take off our rags and inherit the riches of Jesus that he received for his righteous perfection!

Because we are in Christ, we share in his mindset. We too can be unselfish. We are heirs to this amazing inheritance of forgiveness and righteousness and riches! In Christ, we have an immensely beautiful hope for the future, and because of this we are able to live unselfish, sacrificial lives now! 

3. Jesus is Lord of all. 

If Jesus lived as a humble servant, so must we!

Jesus is Lord of all people and all creation, and we know this because God raised him up to the highest place. Because Jesus humbled himself he proved he was worthy of all honor. Humility has a direct relationship to unselfish behavior. Pride has a direct relationship to selfish behavior.

We trust that Jesus is Lord and we know we are to follow his example of humility. If Jesus is Lord of all, we can trust that he is in control. As Abraham Kuyper says, "“There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, Mine!” Jesus is Lord over all creation. 

Trusting that Jesus is Lord means we can follow his example and be fearlessly unselfish, because we know he is in control of all things that could happen to us!

We must resist the lie that if we humble ourselves we won't get what we want.

We must resist the lie that selfishness leads to happiness. Selfishness never leads to lasting joy.

We must resist the lie that obeying God means having to suffer.

We must resist the lie that our needs won't be met if we unselfishly give of ourselves.

We must resist the lie that we need to seek glory for ourselves.

We must resist the lie that we are incapable of following in Jesus' example of humility and obedience.

When I look at this passage of Scripture and consider the problem of my selfishness in marriage, I have immense hope. I know that even though by nature I am a selfish jerk, I follow Jesus. Jesus is at work within me, enabling me to follow his example as I unselfishly give myself up for others' sake.

4. Jesus is at work within us!

Paul writes in verse 13, "It is God who works in you both to will and to work for his good pleasure." This again affirms the doctrine of the Trinity. When we put our faith in Jesus Christ, we receive the Holy Spirit, the very power of God that works in us and enables us to do God's will. We are empowered by the Holy Spirit to be like Jesus and live unselfish lives. 

------

When I consider this passage in light of our marriage, I am reminded of these four key facts about the gospel that empower me to be an unselfish and serving husband. I can remember that Jesus is God, Jesus became man like me yet without sin, Jesus is Lord over all, and Jesus is at work within me helping me to be more like him! The gospel equips me to overcome my selfishness and work toward a joy-filled and Christ-centered marriage that results in well-loved wife and God receiving glory!