The Key to Understanding Others

I love the movie "The Sandlot" (1993). In many ways, it's an accurate depiction of the power of the imagination of children. When the star player, Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez hits the Sandlot kids' last baseball over Mr. Mertle's fence, the drama begins. New kid, Scotty Smalls tries to climb the fence, and is hurriedly warned by the entire team to stop! There is a "Beast" behind that fence. Scotty quickly tells all the kids that the ball was signed by none other than Babe Ruth! And it belongs to his stepdad! The rest of the movie involves the kids trying every scheme they can to get the ball back from the "Beast" 

Scotty also has to get an introduction to what the kids are dealing with. The kids tell a tall tale regarding the dog whom they have named, "The Beast." The story they tell about Mr. Mertle and The Beast is pure folklore and speculation, and it paints a portrait that they are to be feared! Later in the movie the kids actually meet the dog. They get close. Close enough to see that he is a normal dog who can feel pain. The fence falls on the dog, and the kids' hearts soften. They lift the fence off the dog, and it turns out that he is extremely nice! Then the kids meet Mr. Mertle and it turns out he is a supremely cool and extraordinarily kind man. All the stories and ideas the kids had concocted about Mr. Mertle and his dog proved to be overwhelmingly mistaken! Mr. Mertle and his dog Hercules weren't to be feared at all! And in the end a beautiful relationship is formed that brings about joy and healing for both parties. 

Too often in life we let our distance from others impact our understanding of how they live. Too often in life we don't seek to know others. We don't seek to hear their perspective, and we certainly don't seek to empathize with them or understand what motivates them. In turn we become distant to them, we make assumptions about them, and we write people off. The extreme end of writing people off turns out to be similar to what happens in "The Sandlot," our assumptions about others take away aspects of their humanity. 

I will give three examples on how distance from others impacts our understanding of them. 

1. Distance disrupts communication, proximity shapes perspective. In our marriage, Allison and I fight. It's true, we are flawed individuals who will often become selfish. In one instance in particular (on a very long road trip no less!) we were having a fight. The tension in the air was palpable and it was not enjoyable. We had nowhere to go for hours and there the two of us were, having to resolve this issue. As I remember it, I said something offensive and hurtful to Allison, which is not surprising. We are two different people with different perspectives. She was hurt because I said something hurtful, and I was hurt because "she shouldn't have felt hurt!"

At this point our communication skills decided to take a night off, and we weren't talking. We were doing nothing to understand one another - rather we were just stewing in our feelings. In my head I was making a million assumptions about her. In her head, she was making a million assumptions about me. Ultimately our proximity broke down those barriers of assumption and frustration. We spoke out each other's perspectives. I realized how my words made Allison feel, and she realized how I was feeling. We gained new levels of understanding and a deeper respect, love, and admiration for one another. 

2. Distance dissolves empathy, proximity creates feeling. 

It hurts when a celebrity dies. When Prince died, the Twin Cities rightfully mourned. We know that human life is a beautiful thing and we mourn loss. The loss of Prince deeply impacted communities because through his music and public persona we felt like we knew the man. He was humanized to us because we felt close to him as fans and followers of what he did. The hurt of his loss impacted our hearts, because we felt close to it. 

According to Brown University, as of August 2016 over 31,000 Afghani civilians have lost their lives since the war began in 2001. I certainly don't feel it. It is distant to me. Minnesotans don't react as strongly to the deaths of men, women and children in Afghanistan as they did to Prince. I don't say this to condemn, rather to make a point. We don't put faces on those individuals. We are able to look at those deaths as "over there" rather than close to home. How easy does the loss of human life lose it's urgency in our eyes, when it is a distant problem. 

3. Distance dehumanizes people, proximity humanizes them. 

For my last example I will examine pornography. Pornography is extremely popular and in many ways is perceived as "mainstream," even being joked about in many sitcoms and movies. However, when you examine the pornography industry it is found to be rampant with abuse and trauma.Women are often abused, mistreated and dehumanized. However when you watch that from behind a screen, that woman on the screen is just another face. 

These statistics are from 2001: 

- Between 66% to 90% of women in the sex industry were sexually abused as children

- 89% of women in the sex industry said they wanted to escape, but had no other means for survival

- Women in the sex industry experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at rates equivalent to veterans of combat war (69%)

Being able to view something through a screen that is recorded far away creates distance. The pornography viewer is able to distance themselves from the reality of the humanity of the woman on the screen. That person becomes less than real to them. To the viewer they are just a woman on a screen, and they probably enjoy what they do, don't experience abuse, and are well compensated. (Which statistics say, isn't true) 

But what if it was your sister on the screen? Wouldn't you do everything you could to get her out of the porn industry? Because you would see your sister as human! You would know her personality and her value! Distance dehumanizes people, but proximity makes their humanity a reality. 

What is the key?

The key to understanding others is proximity born of humility. 

The key to understanding others is to get close to them and that takes humility. 

When we get close to others, we see their humanity and value. 

When we get close to others, we see that they deserve dignity and have worth. 

When we get close to others, we develop the ability to communicate with them. 

When we get close to others, we are able to seek understanding with them and develop common ground. When we get close to others, we can empathize with them and see why they feel the way they do. 

When we get close to others, we can see things from their perspective even when we disagree!

When the kids in "The Sandlot" got close to Mr. Mertle and his dog Hercules, they realized how they had misunderstood the two. They gained understanding of who they were and formed a beautiful relationship.

When Allison and I communicated and gained understanding of each other's perspective, we overcame our differences because we were able to see things from a different viewpoint than our own. We humbled ourselves to seek understanding.

The key to understanding is to get close to someone and it takes humility to say to someone, "Help me to understand." It takes humility to desire to want to understand someone, it isn't natural. 

But what is the key to getting to that place of proximity born of humility?

I've got good news! It's the gospel! The gospel humbles us, helps us affirm the humanity of others, and helps us get close to them in an understanding way. How does it do this?

1. Christ brings us near. 

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Therefore remember that at one time you Gentiles in the flesh, called “the uncircumcision” by what is called the circumcision, which is made in the flesh by hands—remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ." (Ephesians 2:10-13 ESV)

We were separated from Christ, alienated from the body, strangers to God's promises. We had no hope, and were without God in the world. But Christ brought us near. Jesus shed his blood on the cross to bring us near to God. We are God's workmanship, created in Christ for good works. This is a most humbling experience, because we know that we were sinners who were not saved by our own works, but God's grace. We are his workmanship! 

"But God, being rich in mercy because of the great love with which he loved us - even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved..." and "this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. (Ephesians 2: 4-5, 8, 9 ESV)

Sinners brought near by the blood of Christ as a gift of God's grace have no choice but to live as humbled people. We realize that it was a gift of God that we have been brought near, a gift purchased with the price of Jesus' blood, and in turn we are humbled and we desire to bring others near to God in Christ Jesus. Through this desire to bring others near to God, we get close to others. Our humility should allow us to seek to gain understanding and to empathize with others for the sake of winning them to Christ. 

2. Christ is our peace.

For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. (Ephesians 2:14-18 ESV)

The Jews and Gentiles were an historically divided group. The Gentiles were without God in the world, and the Jews were entrusted with the knowledge of God. Gentiles must have despised the Jews and their lofty ideas, and the Jews must have despised the common and unclean Gentiles. Imagine the differences Jews and Gentiles must have had!  They couldn't have been farther apart, and they had essentially nothing in common. But Christ made peace. Jesus broke down the dividing wall of hostility between the Jews and Gentiles. He made peace with God for us, and makes peace possible by killing the hostility. And all people in Christ have access to God. If Christ can make peace like that possible, how much more should we work to affirm the humanity of others for the sake of bringing about peace?  

The peace of Christ has the power to make even the most distant groups into "one body." Therefore, we can live in a way that seeks to bring about that peace through understanding. The gospel is fair game for anyone, and when we affirm others and get close to them, we have the opportunity to bring them into the peace that we have received in Christ Jesus. 

3. Christ is our purpose. 

So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit. (Ephesians 2:19-22 ESV) 

The blood of Christ has brought us near, and made peace for us with God and with each other. We have been brought into the household of God. In Christ the body is joined together and grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In Christ we are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.  

That gives us purpose!

We want to build up the body. We want others to be in the household of God. We want others to be brought near. So we go out into uncomfortable places and seek to make the gospel known. We work to bring about the building up of the body. We labor and strive so that the body of Christ is built together into a dwelling place for God. This is why the last prayer of the Bible is, "Come, Lord Jesus." 

The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us proximity to God, peace with others, and purpose to pursue lives of understanding. The gospel humbles us to draw near to others, affirm their humanity, and point them to Christ. For God's glory and by God's grace, may we be people who seek to understand others with the goal of loving them like Christ and inviting them into God's household!

Who are people in your life that you should seek to understand?